I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
