it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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