Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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