I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
