just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
