I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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