doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
