the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Randomize
