The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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