Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
