the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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