Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
