yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
