he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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