I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
