i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
