yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
