He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
