you traded sex for a burrito?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
