Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
