I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
