mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
