Little spoons don't ask big questions
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
