Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
