Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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