She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
