I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
