I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
