Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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