You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
