Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
did you just send me my own nude
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
