we're chasing vodka with high fives
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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