I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
