She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
