"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Randomize
