I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
