I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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