Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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