Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
