weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
