I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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