I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
