My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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