Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
