just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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