the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
