why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize