Swine flu. Run for my life!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
