I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
