Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
